Riiiiiight.
Something called a Stitches conducted an interview with InTouch magazine where he claimed that, after just one date, he slept with Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s starlet, Kylie Jenner.
Ok, that part is believable.
The rest is absolutely ridiculous.
Let me paint you a picture of how the rest of this is going to play out. Think about the poker scene from The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
Now that we have the imagery cemented in our heads, let’s move forward with The Stitches comments. (Is it “The” Stitches? A Stitches? How many Stitches since it’s plural? I’m really lost here.)
Stitches claims that his homeboy InkMonstarr (not a typo, his spelling is as elementary as his rhymes) hooked him up with Kylie and after one, cocaine fueled date, the two had sex.
“I did cocaine with Kylie and then slept with her — while she was in a relationship with Tyga,” he tells the magazine. “And if Tyga has one problem with anything I gotta say about his girl, he can come see me whenever he wants. I’ll beat the shit out of him.”
He’ll beat the shit out of Tyga? Of course he’ll beat the shit out of Tyga. The dude probably loses fights to his tall tees in the morning, but that’s not the point. This human form of the worst decision you’ve ever made is actually going playground on Tyga. Circle back up to the 40-Year-Old Virgin clip as a refresher. This real life Comedy Central cartoon character is more desperate for attention than Miley Cyrus is desperate to tell you that she smokes weed.
He wasn’t done, either. Had to go and drag Cait into it, too.
“[We did] some drugs. She called me ‘Daddy,’” he says, adding that he has yet-to-be-disclosed “proof” of their hookup. “She didn’t bring up Tyga, not one time. She did not seem remorseful, not one bit.”
At this point, I can only hope and pray (someone get me the Pope) that Stitches turns the proof over to the tabloids because I can almost all but guarantee you that it’s a wrinkled piece of paper with “Stitches slept with Kylie. Love, InkMonstarr” written on it with crayon.
I know that this walking Valtrex billboard did this in order to boost his name. It would stand to reason as such since he has basically the same amount of Twitter followers as I do and I’m not even mildly funny. But honestly, if he makes any money off of this I can only 
hope he does something about the awful tattoos on his face.
Like get them removed.
Or at the very least, fix that AK-47. We all know it’s actually supposed to be an arrow so the half in the bag South Beach bums you blow have a fighting chance of getting their dirty d*cks in your mouth.
Waiting on that proof, bruh.
[CeleBuzz]
[Images via Instagram]
