The Analytical Breakdown of the 2012 Maxim Hot 100: They Could Not Have Done Worse

maximtitle
Each year, Maxim releases their much anticipated Hot 100 list of beautiful women.  They actually call it “The Definitive List of the World’s Most Beautiful Women”.  When someone makes a claim like that, they should probably put forth the effort and try to make the best list possible, right?

Wrong.

For years now, Maxim has screwed up this list royally.  Last year was no exception when somehow they had Cameron Diaz in the top 5!  Unfortunately, I am unable to blame Maxim this year, at least not entirely, for how horrible this list is.  The lazy people at Maxim thought it would be a good idea to let the readers weigh in on who makes the list.  The outcome is nothing short of a head scratching hack job. With one stupid idea, they have ruined the integrity of this list that so many people used to love.

You can check the full list here.  I encourage you to look at it while you are reading our breakdown of how wrong they got it again.


The Most Overrated Women of the 2012 Hot 100
These women got some high marks.  Much too high for their level of hotness.  Not only that, some of them just don’t make sense being on the list.  If it was supposed to be a joke or be funny, they failed miserably.

mfthumbMegan Fox #8 – Why, oh why is she anywhere near the top 10?  She hasn’t done shit lately besides nail some old dude from 90210.  More over, her acting is terrible, save for a particular scene on a motorcycle from Transformers 2.
Realistic Ranking = 25-35

emmathumbEmma Stone #7 – I like Emma Stone, I really do.  She kills it in her movies and is very likable.  Likable is something you call a girl when you don’t like her.  She is cute but doesn’t scream top 10 talent to me.  If this was based on acting, she would be more than one notch above Megan Fox for sure.
Realistic Ranking = 30-40

malinthumbMalin Akerman #9 – She was funny in Heartbreak Kid and Couples Retreat but she really doesn’t do anything for me.  I think she is as average in the looks department as she is in the acting department.  Clearly, I’m not calling her ugly, but a top 10 ranking is just completely out of the question.
Realistic Ranking = 35-45

stewartthumbKristen Stewart #15 – To be honest, I was shocked to see her on the list at all, let alone inside the top 20!  Sure, she might be appealing to some people…and by some people, I am referring to pale, pasty nerds living in their mothers basement.  She is socially retarded and it is a wonder she can string together sentences, which I’m told people call her “acting”.  I’ll put it this way, she made the top 20 and Jennifer Aniston isn’t on the list….
Realistic Ranking = 95-100+


zooeythumbZooey Deschanel #41
– Ahhh, little Zooey.  She is definitely attractive, but to be so boneheaded and ditzy is a turn off.  The fact that she uses that as her “thing” makes it even worse.  She has acted her way into a terrible typecasting.  Yes, she should be on the list. No, it shouldn’t be in the top 50.

Realistic Ranking = 60-70

loisthumbLois Griffin #85 – This is perhaps the stupidest thing I have ever seen.  Not only is she a cartoon, but they have her in front of 16 other women!  People need fired over this. Morons.
Realistic Ranking = Give me a fucking break.

stephencolbertStephen Colbert #69 – I spoke too soon.  I guess there has to be two of the stupidest things I have ever seen.
Realistic Ranking = Ask Lance Bass.

amadathumbAmanda Knox #92 – Nothing screams sexy like being a murder suspect.  I know she didn’t do it, but that doesn’t make her sexy.  That makes her lucky.  And judging by getting within the top 100, she has more luck than most. Perhaps they should have included Casey Anthony too, at least she’s attractive.
Realistic Ranking = Unranked


katdenningsKat Dennings #97
– Let me say this first.  She is hilarious and has speed bags that scream “motorboat me!”.  With that said, I think she deserves to be in the 90s but the reason I am saying she is overrated is because her co-star from Two Broke Girls, Beth Behrs, didn’t make the list!  The sexy ass blond with the getaway sticks of a thoroughbred didn’t make the list!.

Realistic Ranking = 97, but only if Beth Behrs is somewhere in the Hot 100 too.

annehatawayAnne Hathaway #23 – She’s cute but she gives off a vibe that says “you’d have more fun boning a dead fish than me”.  Sure, seeing her naked in Love and Other Drugs was cool but that only gets you half way there.  As in the top half of this list.
Realistic Ranking = 50-60

The Most Underrated Women of the 2012 Hot 100
These women got screwed, and not in the good way.  Most of these women got the tag “Underrated” because they were listed after Kristen Stewart.

nayaNaya Rivera #27 – This sexy mamacita has been burning it up in the last year.  To reiterate my fact, check out her Cosmo Latina photo shoot.  Sha-wing.  Not to mention she makes out with Heather Morris on the reg on Glee. Heather Morris, by the way, was also left off the list.
Realistic Ranking = 5-10

yvonneYvonne Strahovski #35 – This is a gross crime against hot women with cool names and awesome accents everywhere.  Would any other woman with a nickname StraHOTski land north of 30?  I think not.
Realistic Ranking = 10-20

kateKate Upton #39 – This ranking makes this list completely irrelevant.  This is a woman who has scorched the pages of every major magazine, starred in a major motion picture, was the SI Swimsuit cover model and had at least one new photo shoot per week (at least it seemed).  The last year has been nothing but Kate Upton and she is at 39? Ya, maybe they’re right, Taylor Swift should totally be 14 spots ahead of her…
Realistic Ranking = 1-3

mirandaMiranda Kerr #40 – Dumb.  She is Victoria’s Secret Angel and a mom who still has a stomach that screams “body shots” coupled with an awesome accent and she gets 40?  Can they breathe with their heads so far up each others asses?  I would think it would be hard.
Realistic Ranking = 10-20

brooklynBrooklyn Decker #42 – I said last year that Brooklyn should have been a solid 10-20 and I still am adamant about that.  She did nothing but raise her stock in the last year and they drop her 6 spots?  Nasty.  Allow me to point out that the vampire f’er is a 15 on this list and Brooklyn Decker is a 42. Nuff said.
Realistic Ranking =15-25

adrianaAdriana Lima #46 – Ya know what? I’m getting tired of explaining my logic and my blood pressure is too high to get this worked up.  Basically just know that the rest of these women all deserve higher and that Maxim, and its brain dead readers who voted, are functioning retards.
Realistic Ranking = 10-20

arinnyArianny Celeste #58 – SHE IS A MAXIM GIRL. I mean, that magazine has had her featured more times than I can count and they have her at 58? This is such shit. Don’t they know you tell the people to vote and then you turn around and manipulate the results for your benefit? Idiots.
Realistic Ranking = 15-25

mariaMaria Menounous #64 – Maria has a body that I would like to eat my lunch off of but she also has the laugh that makes me wish I was born deaf.  So who ever said love is a give and take, I totally get it.  What I don’t get is how she is higher than 40 and I’m not going to elaborate on the subject because I think I have given myself a migraine.
Realistic Ranking = 25-35

sofiaSofia Vergara #71 – Bounce, bounce, come on bounce…That’s what runs through my head while I watch Modern Family.  Her ranking is a slap in the face and I just hope that she doesn’t leave and go back to Columbia because of it. Ay dios mio.
Realistic Ranking = 30-40

I’m going to stop there…even though I think Julianne Hough (47), Paulina Gretzky (87), Amber Heard (53) and Claire Coffee (91) all deserve a solid defense.  This is definitely the worst this list has been in a long, long time.  How does your #1 from last year, Rosie Huntington Whiteley,  fall 10 spots?

Here is a quick list, off the top of my head, of women that didn’t make the list.  All of these women are Top 20 talent for sure….just remember, Kristen Stewart was a 15 and they did not make it.  Last time I mention it, I swear!

Jennifer Aniston

Beth Behrs

Nicky Whelan

Chrissy Teigen

Diora Baird

Melanie Iglesias

Erin Andrews

Jessica Burciaga

Minka Kelly

Posted in