AFC North Preview

The recent news of Reuben Amaro making Mark Shapiro his bitch has been the icing on the dump of a cake that was the 2009 Cleveland Indians. For MLB fans like me whose teams have officially taken a crap on the season, it is time to move on and talk about the only two important things in life right now: Entourage and the anticipation of football season. What better way to combine the only two reasons for getting out of bed in the morning, than by previewing the AFC North using characters from Entourage (I would argue that so far this season of Entourage has been uneventful and borderline boring, but I have faith things will heat up).

Pittsburgh Steelers – Ari Gold

The undisputed most popular character of the show and the best team in the division. Both characters continue to have the best seasons of the bunch and each can be considered the sole reasons a majority of the world pays attention to their respective show/division. Each is starting off this season with a member of their team not being able to keep their slingshot in the holster. Both Roethlisberger’s rape allegations and Andrew Klein’s extra-marital affair could have major implications on this year’s season, but it’s not likely. Fans of the Steelers/Ari typically have few friends and watch the show/game at home by themseleves so they can have something to say to their co-workers who otherwise ignore them. Look for strong seasons out of both as the potential for greatness is always lurking in the background.

Baltimore Ravens – Vincent Chase

You can guarantee that they will both produce a solid season each and every year. They always seem to be in the running for the most interesting character/team but virtually always take a backseat to another team’s/character’s storyline. On the surface they seem strong with very few faults, but as you dig deeper there is always some insecurity that threatens their season. Is Vince really back and will he continue to be offered huge movies? Can the Ravens really compete in the division or for a title with those wide receivers and an aging defense? Look for solid seasons out of both, but neither will climb the mountain and regain what they once were.

Cincinnati Bengals – Johnny Drama

You can always count on a good laugh from each, though both have remained quiet so far this year. We have grown to expect the Bengals to be in trouble with the law and Drama to do something ridiculous. Though both are funny at times, Drama is clearly the douche bag of the show and the Bengals continue to be the douche bag of the division. Fans of these two can be heard screaming their battle cries “Who Dey?!” and “Victory!” with no regard to appropriate time or place. Fans of the Bengals/Drama think screaming these cheers is totally awesome, when in reality the cries are an effective vagina repellent. Look for both to do something stupid or hilarious this year that will make them the talk of the show/division for a week before they slink back off into mediocrity.

Cleveland Browns – Turtle

The classic underachiever of the show/division. Neither has ever found success on the show or within the division. Both show signs of life at times, but continue to be a minor player in the big picture. Confusion has been the theme for both thus far this season. Will Turtle go back to school or start his own business? Will it be Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson at the helm this year for the Browns? In the end, whether it’s business school or starting a business – Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson – does either decision really matter? There are signs that the Browns/Turtle may be heading towards overachieving this season. Turtle has somehow landed Jamie Lynn Sigler and is motivated to do something with his life. The Browns somehow have a happy Shaun Rogers and Braylon Edwards, a seemingly competent head coach for the first time in years and a cupcake schedule. Look for above average seasons out of both.

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