Happy Birthday Chuck Norris

chuck-norris-2Today is the day, 71 years ago, that the earth wept and sun blinked when the little baby Chuck Norris was brought into this world.  I doubt it was a conventional birth but rather something like a supernova in space occured and baby Chuck Norris was shot to Earth.  I imagine that Baby Chuck arrived on Earth with a beard, not unlike Baby Jesus.

So to commemorate Chuck’s day of birth, we give you the top 71 Chuck Norris Facts from the years past.  One fact for every year Chuck has ruled the world.  These never get old.

– Chuck Norris pisses tiger blood.

– Adonis DNA has strains of Chuck Norris in it.

– Chuck Norris is operating the Bermuda Triangle

– Chuck Norris was the first to know that Bird was, in fact, the word.

– Chuck Norris can put out a fire with gasoline.

– Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, hence why there is no sign of life there.

– Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death, he beats it fair and square.

– There is no “CRTL” button on Chuck Norris’ computer because Chuck is always in control.

– Chuck Norris can start a fire with 2 ice cubes

– Chuck Norris can beat Super Mario Bros. without using the jump button.

– Chuck Norris’ hand can beat a Royal Flush

– Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal sad.

– When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down

– When Graham Bell first invented telephone he had 2 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

– Chuck Norris never takes pain killers because he`s the only one who can kill pain.

– Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

– Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

– Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

– Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits.

– The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris before he goes to bed.

– Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

– Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it.

– Chuck Norris counted to infinity…twice.

– Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience

– Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter

– When the president pushes the big red button Chuck Norris’s cell phone rings

– Chuck Norris can do a three point turn in two turns.

– Chuck Norris’ chewing gum never loses his flavor.

– Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Chuck Norris’ glare will liquify your kidney.

– Chuck Norris can read a magazine upside down

– Chuck Norris eats a cereal bowl for breakfast.

– Electricity pays Chuck Norris to light up his house

– Chuck Norris is the reason Brett Farve finally retired

– Chuck Norris will never die, but get bored of us and leave.

– Chuck Norris uses Italy as a boot.

–  Chuck Norris threw a perfect game with one pitch.

– Chuck Norris can outrun his own shadow.

– Chuck Norris invented a cloning machine so he can trust somebody.

– Chuck Norris went to a concert and made them start over.

– Chuck Norris can makes it Cold in Cleveland

– Chuck Norris hit for the cycle in one at bat.

– Chuck Norris cut his scissors with his hair.

– Chuck Norris can find a negative square root

– Chuck Norris needed only one frame to bowl a 300

– Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista, and it has never crashed.

– Chuck Norris can hit a grand slam with no one on base.

– Justin Beiber has Norris fever.

– Charlie Sheen can achieve recovery by taking a drug called Chuck Norris

– Chuck Norris doesn’t have an X-Box, he has an X-Circle

– If Chuck Norris were to ever bungee jump, the earth would flinch.

– Chuck Norris would be World Champion in any sporting event in which he participated. In second place, his beard.

– Chuck Norris knows what color a smurf turns when you choke it

– If Charlie Sheen is winning, it’s only because Chuck Norris isn’t playing

– Chuck Norris knows where Hidden Valley is.

– Chuck Norris knows where Jimmy Hoffa is

– Chuck Norris can’t give blood, he doesn’t use it.

– Chuck Norris cam make a 3-point dunk

– Chuck Norris can whistle in 14 different languages

– Area 51 is Chuck Norris’ favorite vacation spot.

– Chuck Norris has been to the bottom of a bottomless pit

– Charlie Sheen – winning; Chuck Norris – won

– The Grinch steals Christmas from Santa, Chuck Norris steals Christmas from the Grinch

– Chuck Norris’s first job was a paper boy, there were no survivers

– Chuck Norris is the 24th flavor in Dr. Pepper

– Chuck Norris can spit fire under water

– Chuck Norris can make a stop sign start

– Chuck Norris is the reason Atlantis is lost

– Chuck Norris knows who framed Roger Rabbit

– Chuck Norris grows weed in Farmville and sells it on Mafia Wars

– Chuck Norris can buy a Ferrari from a Honda car dealer

– Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris who will not be lighting the candles on his birthday cake today because, obviously, they light themselves.

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