What do you use Facebook for? Do you use it to reconnect with people from your past? Do you use it to find people in your class? Perhaps you use it to spy on your children? Or, in most cases, you are a creeper who loves to peruse the photos of the newly added “friend” you haven’t seen or talked to in ten years. Admit it, it feels like I am in your head right now, doesn’t it? Well this isn’t rocket science, it is the internet and I guarantee that almost all of the 800 million users of the ‘book can fall into one or all of those categories.
I am friends with approximately less than .00002% of the population of Facebook, so I guess you could say that the annoyances I have stumbled on might be isolated to my tiny corner of the social network. However, after conversing with some friends (real ones), I found that many of the things I find intolerable on Facebook are right in line with their thoughts on the subject. Now I wonder what the people outside of my friends think. Are we just assholes or is this shit really annoying?
Tagging yourself in a picture in your album— Really? What is the valuation in tagging yourself in a picture in your own album? Is it just to drive up the number of pictures you’re tagged in? Don’t laugh. I know that is the precise reason you are doing it you narcissistic psychopath. With that said, don’t get this confused, if you are in someone elses album it is perfectly acceptable to tag yourself.
Liking your own updates — You changed your picture and you like it so much that you must show everyone! This goes right along with tagging yourself in your own album. Really? You find yourself so amusing or witty that you actually “like” your own status? That’s like laughing at your own joke when no one else does.
Keep your love notes to yourself— Believe it or not, not everyone is hopelessly in love and “in a relationship”. I am happy for you, I really am, just please stop jamming your love notes to each other down my throat. 95% of the time you post stupid grade school shit like this, your “boo” is sitting right next to you. And quit with those f*cking hearts.
Break-up messages— This sort of goes along with the above. Aww, your relationshit that had only been going on 3 weeks is over? How are you going to cope? I know, why don’t you turn to Sex and the City quotes! You want a better way that is way less annoying? Make your status all about the new guy/girl your boning. Not only will that show you don’t give a f*ck but it will also be the lowest blow you can give to your ex.
Farmville/Mafia Wars— Every time I get one of these requests I want to play Farm Wars where I get a hoe (gardening tool, wise ass), find you and wack you. Does anyone really care that Ken just got three new pigs or just bailed hay? No. Why? Because it’s a virtual farm you f*cking idiot.
Depressing status updates— Depression is very uncool. You know what else is uncool? A douche bag making me depressed with their depressing status, which makes me more depressed when I realize that your status on a social network is affecting my thoughts. If it is so bad that you have to spew irrational thoughts on your Facebook page, perhaps you need therapy. Just saying.
Taking your own profile picture— Have you ever been to a party? A concert? Any place where your picture may have been taken? Why, oh why, must people (mostly girls) take pictures in the mirror with their cell phones? It just looks ridiculous. You are not a model because if you were, you would be hot and not need to take pictures of yourself because someone would be getting paid to take pictures of you. Just to get under my skin you can follow up your 1-person photo shoot by “liking” the picture and tagging yourself in it. Assholes. The only time it is acceptable to take a photo of yourself in a mirror is if you are hot and naked (read: Rihanna).
“Liking” braindead groups — I am all for liking a website, particular story, models, actresses, books, music, movies, etc. but what I cannot stand is people that are “habitual likers”. These people would like a group even if it was called “smile while I take a dump on your chest”. There has to be some kind of line drawn because when I see this in my feed I want to kick bunny rabbits. An example would be a group named “I was talking on the phone then got a beep and switched to the other line then forgot about the person on the original line”. Shoot me.
Answering questions about me — I don’t know how the F this works but you’re telling me that someone I haven’t seen in 10 years just took a quiz about me? Can we please stop clicking on every single widget, or whatever they’re called, that we see on Facebook? Everyone has that friend who clicks on every single one of these, along with passing along invitations…
Sending stupid invitations — So let me get this straight, you don’t even know what I did after high school but you want me to come see your boyfriends, cousins band play at the Chess Night at the Elk Lodge? F-off. Send invitations to only people you know want to come. Why load the entire invite list? It only ends up looking bad when you have 13 People Attending and 1,258 People Not Attending.
Upon completing this list this morning, I was sent the GQ link “Annoying Facebook Friends and Profiles”…give it a read.
